Desperation and despair clouded my memory and angered me to my most damaging extremities. My very first child was a miscarriage; I got upset, started throwing a tantrum and miscarried. I blamed myself for not taking the time to think of my body and baby first. This year would have been Lil baby’s 18th birthday; I tell people I have three children when in actuality, I have three on earth and one in heaven whom I will see one day again. Today I celebrate seeing my children grow and blossom into fabulous, outgoing, smart individuals.
My grief started when my Grandfather passed away. I watched him take his final breath; this was not easy for a mere 14-year-old. Two years, later my grandmother, or (madear) as we called her, passed when I turned 16; consequently, another blow to my core. I remember at her funeral, all seven of her children kissed her on the cheek; as she lay in her casket. When my chance came to see her for the very last time, the usher came to escort me, and I froze like a stone. I didn’t want to see her in the casket; therefore I could not say goodbye. Believe it or not, her spirit often reminds me of “What a mistake I made?
Daddy passed from AIDS, given to him by blood transfusions of the late 1980s. If anyone knows or has read the story of Ryan White out of Indiana, that’s somewhat my dad’s story. It all came to a head when I became involved with the father of all my children. People us as a hot, wired mess. He also suffered losses, complicated with drug use, drug dealing, infidelity on his part. We argued, blamed each other for our problems, and then after years of a tumultuous relationship, we called it quits. Today, we realize our mistakes and move on with mutual respect. Couples need to release the pain, love one another, build a life of happiness and strength to press forward on a positive tip.
Today is about happiness in all that I do because being upset or in pain never helps. I am not mad at anybody; I try to avoid conflict or bad influences. I mean I am not Positive Princess every day, I have my days of shouting, throwing tantrums and being sad, but I take every down day, think of a way to turn it into good, then get back to life; a life filled with persistence and strength. I have fun, private times with friends, aside from red carpet events or outings, I enjoy walks in the park, movies, sporting events, shopping, reading, and listening to all types of music. One song that helps me is by Anita Baker and the Winans, called “Aint No Need,” click the link to take a look, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75LGSzYnpEY at my suggestions to press forward. “Press forward with peace.”